Nick Griffin was recently invited to participate in a celebrity decathlon. Vain and publicity hungry, he initially agreed, but eventually pulled out when someone explained how many different races were involved.

Why shouldn't you tell anyone about the snake in the water?
Because it's a sea crate.

Depeche Mode's Dave Gahan walked up to me the other day and gave me some Brie, Edam and Camembert, telling me not to share them with anyone. "Why not?" I asked, a little bemused.
"Because," replied Dave. "They're your own personal cheeses."

Where did Pavarotti go scuba-diving? Tenerife.

A friend of mine recently had a fight with Desmond Dekker and Terry Hall. The experience left him very badly scarred.

How do Marks and Spencer import their underwear?
On a panty liner.

Sociologist A: Are people inherently evil?
Sociologist B: I've no idea. I've never been to herently.

A soldier walks into a doctor's. "Doctor," he says. "Ever since I came back from the frontline, I've lived in constant fear of turtles and snails." "Hmmm," replied the quack. "I think you've got shell-shock."

I met a girl today who looked just like my bottom. Maria, she was called.

Doctor, doctor, my arm feels like a bit of bacon.
Well, Sir, I can see you’ve come out in a little bit of a rasher.

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold..
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex.

Doctor, Doctor I feel like an airport?
Well, Sir, I'm afraid it's terminal.

Why did dinosaurs have wrinkled trousers?
Because they didn't make it to the iron age.

Which Star Wars character has the biggest ears?
Lobi-Wan Kanobi

What do you call a Greek Man made of dough?
Peter Bread

Why doesn't Peter Bread play Golf?
Because he's got a terrible slice. Although, to be fair, he's quite good with a sand wedge.

How does Sid James travel down a river?
In a Kayak-ak-ak

I walked to university last week and said to the woman on reception:
"Look. I've got to tell you something. Last night I slept with someone behind my girlfriend's back."
"Well, Sir," she replied. "That's all very well, but you've come to the wrong department: Admissions is down the hall."

I rang my Mum the other night to tell her some good news:

"I've got a new job down the bowling alley", I said.
"Oh, that's good, dear," she replied. "Ten pin?"
"No," I said. "It's permanent."

I played Jeremy Beadle at poker the other night.
He beat me, despite having a terrible hand.

What's the heaviest food in the world?
Wonton soup.

I saw a disgusting film the other night with two apples having sex.
It was hardcore, obviously.

"Doctor, Doctor, ever since I started drinking bottled water I've had a terrible cold"
"I'm afraid it sounds like Evian flu."

The owner of Harrods made a surprise appearance on The Apprentice the other day, but Sir Alan sent him packing immediately:

"You're Fayed", he said.

My friend died after swallowing a painting of a vegetable.
The coroner said it was an artichoke.

How do you cook a lady monkey?
Grill 'er.

What do you call a javelin thrower from northern France?
Britney Spears