I walked to university last week and said to the woman on reception:
"Look. I've got to tell you something. Last night I slept with someone behind my girlfriend's back."
"Well, Sir," she replied. "That's all very well, but you've come to the wrong department: Admissions is down the hall."

I rang my Mum the other night to tell her some good news:

"I've got a new job down the bowling alley", I said.
"Oh, that's good, dear," she replied. "Ten pin?"
"No," I said. "It's permanent."

I played Jeremy Beadle at poker the other night.
He beat me, despite having a terrible hand.

What's the heaviest food in the world?
Wonton soup.

I saw a disgusting film the other night with two apples having sex.
It was hardcore, obviously.

"Doctor, Doctor, ever since I started drinking bottled water I've had a terrible cold"
"I'm afraid it sounds like Evian flu."