Nick Griffin was recently invited to participate in a celebrity decathlon. Vain and publicity hungry, he initially agreed, but eventually pulled out when someone explained how many different races were involved.

Why shouldn't you tell anyone about the snake in the water?
Because it's a sea crate.

Depeche Mode's Dave Gahan walked up to me the other day and gave me some Brie, Edam and Camembert, telling me not to share them with anyone. "Why not?" I asked, a little bemused.
"Because," replied Dave. "They're your own personal cheeses."